3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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