I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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