it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
