I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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