M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so let's talk penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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