Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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