I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
