So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
