Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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