I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
