I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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