I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
