there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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