I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
