You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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