We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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