im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
