Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
how does that bad decision feel?
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