ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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