gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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