she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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