i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
