Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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