aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
