i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
