i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
