I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
