My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
