im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
