I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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