If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
