mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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