so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Even my vagina gasped.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
