Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
