Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am midnight drunk by noon
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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