Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
