captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
