singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
