Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
