my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
