so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
