I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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