Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
