This is not my ceiling
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You took a bar mat shot.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
