I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
