Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
