Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
