I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
