i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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