Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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