when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
