i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
