I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
