ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
