I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
