you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize