When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
